A NEW PAIR OF SOCKS
by in a little boat
Summary: Vernon, Petunia and Dudley buy some lovely pink Barbie(tm) socks. Suddenly, the usually excruciatingly boring house is barbiefied! Harry must escape! (moved from my other account, starla17, and a new chapter added! yay!)
1. CHAPTER ONE Will I ever make sense!

**Alright well you are probably wondering why this is in my file.. well, I am starla17 and the rest of my works can be found at ****but since I have lost my login info :(( I cannot add chapter 2 to this crazy story there. Therefore its now here and you should review it gratuitously**

thanks :) enjoy

**A NEW PAIR OF SOCKS**

**Chapter One**

**p.s. thanks for all the reviews!! You people are awesome**

It was a beautiful summer morning, 40 more days until Harry returned to Hogwarts. Maybe Harry should have been happy as the sun streamed through his window on him. But, surprisingly, he was not. No, he was somewhere in between total and complete depression, and moderate contentness. He was asleep.  
  
"HARRY!" Vernon spewed in Harry's face at 4:52 a.m. He ripped the blankets off of his bed and held him by his collar. "HAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRY!" Harry swore that Vernon's face was turning a new shade of green. He cleared his gargantuan throat, a long process taking 5 minutes, and said, "We're going to get Dudley a new pair of socks."  
  
Harry was boggled. His eyebrow twitched.  
  
"And.. er.. uh.. This involves me because.."  
  
"You're staying. Home. Alone." The veins on Vernon's face systematically popped, one at a time.  
  
Harry remembered what had happened the last time he'd been at home alone. He'd escaped his room, and gone downstairs to get something to eat. He was feeling particularily hostile towards Dudley that morning, and felt an odd twinge as he reached for his sandwich. When he returned upstairs, Dudley's room was overflowing with various items of the pink persuasion. Pink balloons, pink walls, pink bedspreads, and even a fluffy pair of pink slippers that would not even fit Dobby. Even better, the TV had changed from a regular, hi-tech looking machine into a Barbie™ exclusive slumber party TV, with the exlusive Barbie™ slumber party cable attachment. All the channels showed Barbie's™ Exclusive Slumber Party Adventure In Which Barbie Saves the World and Takes Over the Minds of Young Children™. While Harry was pondering as to what a Barbie™ was, the Dursley's pulled up into their driveway. Dudley was certainly not impressed with the, er, renovations to his room. Vernon was furious, and naturally blamed it (as he blames everything else) on poor Harry. Harry was sentenced to 5 days of foodless existence, and a watching of Barbie's™ Exclusive Slumber Party Adventure, while wearing a pink feather boa, each night. Harry noticed, over the next 5 days, that Dudley actually seemed to like the room, and felt a little nauseated. And very amused.  
  
Anyways, back to the current moment.. Vernon threw Harry violently back onto the bed and trudged off into the hallway, where he slammed Harry's door and began to drill a new padlock onto it.  
  
Harry rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but unfortunately, Harry is the world's greatest insomniac. He listened as the Dursley's drove off in their ugly little car, and off to buy some new Barbie™ socks for their Barbie™ son!  
  
And Harry was plotting on how to get out of his room..


	2. CHAPTER TWO! wheezing harmonicas!

He stood up, slowly, and peeked under the door. The house seemed empty enough. Of course, it was never empty _enough_- Harry would give anything for it to be completely empty. Nonexistent. He wanted out!

Anyways, because of Vernon's shoddy skilllessness, he opened the door with a simple turn of the knob, and walked downstairs with a bag full of his most important possessions, and right out the front door.

He stopped at the foot of the driveway. Where exactly was he going? It wasn't as if he had the faintest idea. He was simply following his feet. So he hitchhiked for a little while, then realized that it probably wasn't the safest thing to be hitchiking while Voldemort was on the loose.

_What the hell would Voldemort be doing on Privet Drive?_ Harry thought to himself.

Moments later, a flashy looking sportscar turned onto the street. An odd looking figure wearing an oversized sombrero sat in the frontseat. He stopped in front of Harry.

"Want a ride, .. er.. uh. Kid?" The voice was ominous, yet sounded like its owner was trying extremely hard to sound casual. It sounded not unlike a harmonica being run over by a garbage truck. It took all of Harry's willpower to not collapse into a fit of laughter.

"Er.. Yes, could you take me to.." His mind went blank. "Uh, the Station, I guess. Please."

"As you wish," it said, in a seething, ominous, cackling voice. "I mean, Hey, why not." The squished harmonica voice again.

At this point, Harry felt a little threatened. "You're not Voldemort, are you?"

"AAH, human, do not say my name. Er. I mean, no, of course not. My name is Bob."

So Harry climbed into the car with "Bob" the sombrero man who was obviously Voldemort.

Oh my.


	3. CHAPTER 3 an identity revealed!

"So, Harry, What is your name?" Sombrero Bob did an odd little dance. Maraca music was playing on the radio.

Harry glared at the sombrero man in confusion. "What did you say?"

"WHAT is your name, you fool."

"Oh.. It's .. uh. Well, actually it's Ron. Ronald .. Measely."

"Well, Harry, isn't that nice. I mean Ron. I mean." He slowed down, and had a wild look in his eye sockets. (nope, no eyes..) He slammed the gas pedal, and did a crazy U-turn at 100046 km. Then, he crashed into the Dursley's house, thinking that this would upset Harry, and strategically parked in the driveway, cackling ominously.

In the silence of the car, the ominous cackling was quite disturbing. Harry shuddered.

"ahaha.haha. haha_hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!_" Voldemort's cackling reached a peak. All the car windows shattered, dramatically, one of the shards hitting Harry's hand and carving the symbol of a lightning bolt.

Mrs. Picklesworth, a very gossipy, plump lady in her 30s, and her husband, had moved in the day before. She was standing in her front lawn, weeding her daffodils etc, when the car windows exploded. Without expressing any surprise, she gaped at the car and simply watched on in surprise. She popped a piece of gum in her mouth.

"I'm bleeeee_eeee_eding!" whimpered Harry. Poor Harry.

"Bwahahaha.. It is all part of my plan." A strange pause. "Now, to shock you.."

He put a skeletal hand on the sombrero, and began slowly taking it off..revealing, a very thin, ugly looking Voldemort. Actually, he looked kind of pathetic without the sombrero.

Harry screamed in horror, leapt out of the car with suitcase in hand, threw it at Voldemort, and ran like hell.

"You FOOOOOL," the dark sombrero lord boomed from the dilapidated old car, shaking his grotesque fist after Harry.

Harry was tearing down Oak Street when he noticed a taxi going by.

He waved frantically, and hailed it down, literally throwing himself into the cab.

"I'm being chased by Vo- I mean, a very evil person.. a .. er.. stalker." He realized how absurd he must seem. "I mean, a criminal." He thought for a moment, then added, "He's got a gun." He pondered for a moment as to whether Voldemort actually even knew what a gun was, but quickly remembered his predicament at hand.

The taxi was eerily silent for a moment, when the driver spoke.

"No worries, my child. You're safe now.." It was almost familiar. Harry shook it off. Voldemort wouldn't feign a woman's voice, would he?

They reached the station, but instead of turning in to take Harry to it, the driver kept driving straight ahead.

"What are you doing?" cried Harry, "I'm going to miss my train!"

The car stopped.

The driver took off her hat.

She turned her head very, very slowly.

When Harry finally saw her face, it was wearing an almost maniacal grin.

"OH MY GODDDDD!!!!" Harry screamed.

"Hem, hem. Harry, are you okay?"

It was Umbridge!!

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more horrifying revelations coming to you soon

poor harry! ;(


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